“The words of human love have been used by the saints to describe their vision of God, and so I suppose we might use the terms of prayer, meditation, contemplation to explain the intensity of the love we feel for a woman...” - Graham Greene, ‘The End of the Affair,’ 1951
Whilst Greene is most certainly applying the conditions of love within the borders of a male to female relationship, we accept that this is not its absolute limits. Expressions of love are multifarious and directed in many different and subtle ways, not even necessarily between humans of either sex. My purpose in this article is to analyze and discuss the various means in which love takes expression, and whether Greene is, in fact, correct in claiming, or suggesting that God is merely an invention, a conception of the human mind that we describe using very human thoughts and expressions, in this context of love and devotion.
My intention is to investigate the various modes of love from the highest to the lowest. It is my observation, that prior to considering the possibility of a supreme expression of love, we must understand, comprehend it in its lowest, most basic form and then advance toward its peak, the ultimate form and nature of love as we are able to understand it. What exactly do we mean by the word ‘love’ - and what does it mean to say, ‘I love you?’
One of the first theories of love was developed by Sigmund Freud. Freud frequently attributed human nature to unconscious desires, his theory of love centered around the need for an “ego ideal.” His definition of an ego ideal is this: the image of the person that one wants to become, which is patterned after those whom one holds with great respect. Another theory was introduced by Maslow. Maslow's hierarchy of needs places self-actualization at the peak. He maintains that those who have reached self-actualization are capable of love.
The psychologist John Allan Lee, in his book ‘The Colours of Love’ (1973) describes six types of love based on Greek definitions, varieties of relationship that might be labeled love.
Eros is sexual, romantic, or passionate, love. In this type of relationship, love is life's most important thing. Lee said a search for physical beauty or an ideal type also typifies this type of love. It can take the form of madness brought about by one of Cupid’s arrows. The arrow breaches us and we ‘fall’ in love, as did Paris with Helen, leading to the Trojan War and the downfall of Troy and much of the assembled Greek army.
Ludus is a game-playing or uncommitted love. Lying is part of the game. A person who pursues ludic love may have many conquests but remains uncommitted. It can involve activities such as teasing and dancing, or more overt flirting, seducing, and conjugating. The experience of love as a game to be played with other people’s emotions. The goal or desire is to gain control over a partner through manipulation. People who experience love as Ludus like to have multiple love interests where they are in complete control. Lying, cheating and deception are common
Storge is a slow developing, friendship-based loved. People with this type of relationship like to participate in activities together. Often storge results in a long-term relationship. It can be a familial love, the kind of love between parents and their children. It that it tends to be unilateral or asymmetrical. More broadly, storge is the fondness born out of familiarity or dependency and does not hang on our personal qualities. It is love as a gradual and slow process.
Pragma is a pragmatic, practical, mutually beneficial relationship. It may be somewhat unromantic. A person who leans toward this type of relationship may look for a partner at work or where the person is spending time. A kind of practical love founded on reason or duty and one’s longer-term interests.
Mania is an obsessive or possessive love, jealous and extreme. A person in love this way is likely to do something crazy or silly, such as stalking. An experience love as being out of control. Love can be an overwhelming experience; it turns one’s life upside down and it results in a complete loss of one’s identity. Love based on Mania is crazy, impulsive and needy. People who experience love as Mania fall in love quickly, but their love tends to consume them. Love experienced as Mania also tends to burnout before it gets the chance to mature. Such love is often marked by extreme delusions, feelings of being out of control, rash decisions, and vulnerability.
Agape This is a is universal love, such as the love for strangers, nature, or God. It is a gentle, caring, giving type of love, brotherly love, not concerned with the self. It is relatively rare. It is also called charity by Christian thinkers, agape can be said to encompass the modern concept of altruism, defined as unselfish concern for the welfare of others. It helps to build and maintain the psychological, social, and, indeed, environmental fabric that shields, sustains, and enriches us. Given the increasing anger and division in our society, and the state of our planet, we could all do with quite a bit more agape. Agape is attentive, caring, compassionate and kind—a more altruistic or selfless type of love.
In 1986, psychologist Robert Sternberg proposed the ‘Triangular Theory of Love’ that describes eight different types of love based on three scales: intimacy, passion, and commitment: non-love (low on all three elements), liking (intimacy only), infatuated love (passion only), empty love (commitment only), romantic love (intimacy and passion), companionate love (intimacy and commitment), fatuous love (passion and commitment), and consummate love (all three elements).
1. Liking - in this case is not used in a trivial sense. Sternberg says that this intimate liking characterizes true friendships, in which a person feels a bondedness, a warmth, and a closeness with another but not intense passion or long-term commitment.
2. Infatuated love - is often what is felt as "love at first sight." But without the intimacy and the commitment components of love, infatuated love may disappear suddenly.
3. Empty love: Sometimes, a stronger love deteriorates into empty love, in which the commitment remains, but the intimacy and passion have died. In cultures in which arranged marriages are common, relationships often begin as empty love.
4. Romantic love: Romantic lovers are bonded emotionally (as in liking) and physically through passionate arousal.
5. Compassionate love is often found in marriages in which the passion has gone out of the relationship, but a deep affection and commitment remain. Companionate love is generally a personal relation you build with somebody you share your life with, but with no sexual or physical desire. It is stronger than friendship because of the extra element of commitment. The love ideally shared between family members is a form of companionate love, as is the love between deep friends or those who spend a lot of time together in any asexual but friendly relationship.
6. Fatuous love can be exemplified by a whirlwind courtship and marriage in which a commitment is motivated largely by passion, without the stabilizing influence of intimacy.
7. Consummate love is the complete form of love, representing the ideal relationship toward which many people strive but which apparently few achieve. Sternberg cautions that maintaining a consummate love may be even harder than achieving it. He stresses the importance of translating the components of love into action. "Without expression," he warns,"even the greatest of loves can die" (1987, p.341). Consummate love may not be permanent. For example, if passion is lost over time, it may change into companionate love.
8. Non-love - The absence of any of the main three types of love (passion, intimacy, commitment). No connection. Indifferent to relationship.
References
Sternberg, R. J. (1986) A triangular theory of love. Psychological Review, 93, 119-135.
All Rights Reserved & Copyright David John Drew, 'Lord Carville' 2023
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